girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
