Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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