You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
