You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
