Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
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He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
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You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver