I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
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I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
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I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?