I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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