so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
