i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
