Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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