Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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