FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
