dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
