You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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