Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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