Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
