Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
