Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
