Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
