Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
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I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
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I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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