and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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