i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
