Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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