I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
