Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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