I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize