why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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