did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
