I wish my penis had an off switch
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
