he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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