Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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