ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
