My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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