Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
