I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
