pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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