Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
