I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I know her cup size but not her name....
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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