I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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