He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
