the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
