God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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