I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
