My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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