I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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