i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
