I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
