question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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