You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm bleeding and have questions
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
