for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
