I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
