she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
