i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
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