I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
