I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
