At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
