Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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